Show Biz Horror Stories

[Jim Coston]

If you've been in the business more than a nanosecond, it's happened to you.

The dreaded showbiz horror story.

Whether it was a wardrobe malfunction, techical gitch, unscrupulous agent, audience from hell or you just plain screwed up - we've all done it!

Some say it's part of the beauty of live show business...others say it's payback for something awful you did in a former life.

Either way, share your favorite "horror story" here (and make the rest of us feel better about ourselves!!!)

[Jim Coston]

After 27 years in this "business of show", I've had my fair share of mishaps.

My favorite was few years ago performing on the cruise ship "Royal Princess".

I was just finishing up playing "Tiger Rag" when I heard the unmistakable thunk of a broken string. Unfortuntately, due to the tension of the strings on a tenor banjo, when one goes, the whole instrument immediately goes out of tune.

Although I hadn't broken a string on stage in years, I always keep a spare set on in my back pocket.... just in case

What I hadn't realized was, in the years since I last broken a string, my eyesight had deteriorated considerably. Just try reading a menu after age 40!!

It took what felt like forever to try and re-thread that banjo string (like threading a needle, actually). I'm fumbling, running out of things to say and watching the show rapidly die on the vine.

Eventually, a sympathetic audience member offered me her reading glasses (sadly it was one of those gaudy pairs that my grandmother wore in the 50's) and there I was, wearing this rediculous pair of glasses, flop sweat and all, trying to jumpstart my show again!

Eventually, I re-strung (& re-tuned) the banjo and finished the show. Although in reality the whole incident took only a few minutes, mentally I was dying a death in dog years.

The next day, dozens of passengers came up to me and insisted it was a "set-up" and "all part of the show".

* * * * * * * * * As an aside, at least two or three times a month, I have the "recurring dream". I'm on stage and something has gone horribly wrong with my show (the actual crisis varies but I'm always helpless to solve the problem).

I've spoken to other performers who relate a similiar story - it must be the show biz equivilant to the "being naked on the school bus" dream (and don't tell me you've never had that one!!)

"This next song is not a show stopper..but it does slow it down a might!"

[Kate]

Oh, I feel for you, but tell me there are pictures. Please tell me there are pictures! (And will you and the glasses be in the next Royal Princess brochure?)

BTW, I had a recurring dream for a long time that there was quicksand in the aisles for some reason and I couldn't climb out and get on the stage. I do currently have a recurring dream that I receive a Pulitzer for my black comedies "Sunday on the School Bus with Naked Jim Coston?", "Driving Mr. Coston (naked on the school bus)" and "How to Succeed on the School Bus Without Really Being Naked".

[Ben Robinson]

Hey Jim, I have a current one. last week I played a corporate party. A big one. Over 1000 people. In a big tent out doors. I brought a crew of three: one babe on stage assistant and photographer to get snaps while she was not on stage, my wife who does our guillotine routine with me, and a driver and grip for the heavy cases. OK, we do the gig. No deposit so I insist on the check before I load in. They fight me on this until I say I'll just split because I only took the gig under these conditions and it was in my contract, which I present. I get the check. I unload. The stage is too small with a DJ on it, the stage is covered in some slippery astroturf, and food trays are set up in front of the stage, and speakers ten feet high on each side of the stage making the site lines very hard for this magician, No one is any help, and the DJ's drummer is all pissed we ask to move to have people see us better. I have the show videotaped because I am working for an event planner who is not there, and I want to be able to show them what I did. Well, I held the crowd in the no air tent for 30 minutes to applause, smiles and laughter, and I have the tape to prove it. the show was booked for 30 minutes. We clocked in at 36. We pack out, split, deposit the check, move on tot h e next 4 shows we have that week. Done.

The following week I get a call from the event planner saying she had terrible reviews of my show and that she wants her money back. I stand my ground telling her I gave her services and that if she goes to a Broadway show and doesn't like it, too bad, but you don't get your money back! I offer to meet my critics first hand in any conference call they desire. I offer any resolution they desire except return of funds as I already paid my people and I'll be damned giving into what I am sensing is some sort of a scam. Turns out they were trying to beat up "the new guy" given I had never worked for (and never will work for these "people" again). Their gig was that they try to make up stories, push my buttons and then intimidate me. Didn't work, they did not return my call to meet their conference call with their coordinator, and no one ever further called. I've been a professional performer since I was 14, 33 years. I've seen a lot, but never encountered this. I told them the video I have shows smiles, laughter and applause, and so if I was so terrible, why did the audience stay for my show? Truth to younger performers is: 1)always get everything in writing and signed before the gig. 2. get paid in full before the show as your only recourse to not being paid is not to deliver services and 3) defend what you do and don't work "blue" or dirty because that will always work against you. Oh yeah, horror, once I very mistakenly almost, I repeat, ALMOST lit a lawyers hair on fire at a resort gig, and they laughed it off. And, they were an accident insurance lawyer at that...boy did I almost pass out from fear!

[Kelin Kreider]

How about having a weak ass, no-time drummer or bass player or any musician. Being a solid bassist myself I see writing on my parts like- the names of notes (a-c#) written all over the the staves or actually writing 1-2-3-4 over a bar of rests, and my all time favorite- "turn page"- if they can't read, they shouldn't have been hired for a "reading" gig. If they can't play the instrument they should be @$#$^%. The audience doesn't know what went wrong if the band sux or is weak- they just say they didn't like the act. On land you can get rid of suckiness, your fired- on a cruise ship your stuck with them for at least a week, if your lucky. Even worse a whole contract. Makes going to the gig more painful than a root canal with no anesthetic. Thats our part.
Then there are acts that come out with chicken scratch charts or a "lead" sheet for a big band and we're told to just make it up because "everybody" knows this song. Pretend we don't. Many younger players do not know the hits of whoever your doing. I've met some who don't know Elvis, The Beatles, Judy Garland, Andrew Loydd Weber or "insert name here" that you know- surprises me too but it's true. At school most of us study theory, harmony and JAZZ (because it's the most musically challenging)- not the history of top-40, Broadway or whatever. You get paid more than us- BUY SOME CHARTS/ ARRANGMENTS- clear, well written charts. That way if the band F's up you KNOW it's not the chart. If you know your charts are difficult, get them to the band ASAP, have several cd's of them being played correctly for the weak readers/players. DON'T play them at rehearsal because it really insults those of us that do read well, can decipher chicken scratch. and improvise as needed.
Technical difficulties are just that- cords wear out, strings/ sticks/ other things break, batteries die, mics pick up static/radio/and other noise -sux during a performance but you know it's live- nobody wants to watch karioke, those that do need to have their head examined.
Enough of my rant for now- time for dinner
Later Kelin

[Kelin Kreider]

Thanx Kate,
I did not need the visual of Jim Coston naked, on a bus or anywhere, trying to fix his string. Due to the "tension". Jim I told you you'd go blind if you keep doing that - it's not because of age. lol. That's why they have pictures on the menu-and because people can't read.